What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I know ,a lot about trauma.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

What did i know ?

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

What is it like to be the slave in a mistress-slave relationship?

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

I will be 64.

She found it foreign!.

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My family never makes their pension either.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Why did my ex move on so quickly?

I waited trembling.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Is it wrong of me to feel uncomfortable that my friend thinks my brother is hot?

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

I was seconnd youngest,

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

How do you recognize when your mental health might need attention?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

How do great movie moments influence how people handle real-life moral dilemmas?

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

Why did i forgive my father ?

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(And it was in our own minds.)

But ive been too sick for many years..

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Who then, do I blame.?

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Put me off passion for life!!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

We were not on the streets..

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I never cut or harmed myself..

So whats the point in blame.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

One cannot live in the past .

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

It was going to be , some day.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I was 9 years of age.

Would this be the day?

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

But, we were locked up after school.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

I was scared of men, in general

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I couldn’t, believe it.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I said to her

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Ive learnt so much.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But it wasn’t much.

She wouldn,t have been !

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I write beautiful poetry .

I was very sick at this time too.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

This is soul school!.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

She was in good health!

Especially a lifetime of it.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

So, i spoilt her more .

I have no regrets .

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I could never make a relationship work though!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

He resisted the act ,that day.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

We all went to grammer schools

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

When she asked me how she looked .

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

As i do to all so called friends.?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Im still living with it.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

She married twice! .

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And i lived it daily.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

All the time i was locked up.

She loved him until the end.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

He knew the spot.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

My life is so biszare .

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

I think the readers, may guess!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I don,t even have a pension.

Comes on , in middle age.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.